ESPN
Similar to Stephen Colbert's Sport Report, ESPN (a.k.a. The ESPN) is dedicated to worshipping covering American sports. Like a pestilential virus, ESPN has spread to practically all media outlets. E.S.P.N. is an acronym for something, however it is doubtful that anyone actually knows what for. The ESPN has its own series of TV channels, radio, webtubes, and magazines. ESPN's signature show SportsCenter, is a blatant ripoff of Sport Report. A Short History of ESPN The ESPN Empire is headquartered in the same location it got started in, Bristol, Connecticut. ESPN Networks Television Internets Magazine Sports Shown On ESPN WNBA World Series Of Poker (only aired in 4 hour stretches) National Spelling Bee Arena Football Paintball Hot Dog Eating Contest ESPN Personalities Current ESPN Personalities *'Erin Andrews' - Known for her frequent use as masturbation fodder, Andrews is currently the most sexually-attractive female in the world among men ages, 15-24 years old. Regardless of qualified (or unqualified...her lips move, but it difficult to pay attention to what she is saying while at the same time staring at her breasts), Andrews remains an "uplifting" ESPN personality. *'Chris Berman' - *'Mel Kiper Jr.' - ESPN's NFL draft expert certainly knows a lot for someone who hasn't ever been a football player or coach (at any level), or a scout (not even an administrator). So you better take heed when Mel Kiper Jr. lampoons your team's recent draft pick. *'Suzy Kolber' - Used to be (before Erin Andrews) the hottest sportscaster on ESPN, but she is still the apple of Joe Namath's eye. Namath expressed his love for Kolber in a sideline interview: "I wanna kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team strugg-a-ling." *'Rick Reilly' - Rick Reilly is an Irish writer (who would have thought they could write?) who used to work for Sports Illustrated. He was twice courageous enough to leave his ivory sports-writing tower to be on The Report, and got nailed in the process—''twice''! *'Stuart Scott' - His SportsCenter broadcasts consist of 85% sound effects or pop-culture references from 5 years ago. Still, Scott remains popular due to his work ethic (he concentrates all his laziness into one eye) and willingness to act like a boob on National Television. *'Stephen A. Smith' - Growing up on the streets of Compton, young Stephen A. never learned how to use his "indoor voice". Now legally deaf, he continues to shout at anyone he interviews for ESPN, regardless of the situation or appropriateness. He also does "colored" commentary for the NBA. *'Dick Vitale' - Vitale is a college basketball analysist for ESPN, but due to his advanced age, and limited mobility, he is unable to travel outside of a 12 mile radius near Durham, North Carolina. As a result he works broadcasts of Duke Blue Devil and North Carolina Tarheel games exclusively. Former ESPN Personalities *'Greg Gumbel' - *'Rush Limbaugh' - *'Keith Olbermann' - *'Dan Patrick' - *'Joe Theismann' - Was until suffered a multiple fracture leg injury. ESPN: Good Or Evil? Just like Fox News, Wikiality brings both sides of the story. Point: ESPN Is Great And Should Be Charished Counterpoint: ESPN Is The Devil And Should Be Vanquished Signs ESPN May Be A Cult *There has been at least 22 children named "ESPN" (or "ESPeN") after the network. *ESPN's parent company is Disney. *Has complete control over broadcast rights to every sport except for three two (Curling, Roman-Greco wrestling, and Ice Hockey). *Any broadcaster regardless of sport, eventially works for ESPN. *Refers to its employees as "Members of the ESPN family". Know of any other cults where members were known as a family? See Also *52 Reasons ESPN Sucks!